


all i want

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: All I Want, Breakup, M/M, Song fic, Songfic, coming to terms, self love, selflove
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 16:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16916595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: as dan walks alone in the street, his ears and cheeks tinted pink from the cold air, he isn’t quite alone. he has himself, and that’s okay. sometimes only you have to be there for yourself.'all i want' song fic:)





	all i want

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in about thirty minutes whilst listening to sad spotify playlists, enjoy!!

_**all i want is nothing more** _   
_**to hear you knocking at my door** _   
_**cause if i could see your face once more** _   
_**i could die a happy man im sure** _

daniel presses in hands into the warm pockets of his coat. it’s easiest to leave the house on days like these—the days where he misses phil the most. if he doesn’t leave, dan will catch himself staring at the door as if phil will take back everything they talked about.

they talked for days. phil had answers to every question and really handled it well, but that didn’t stop dan’s heartbreak.

nothing stopped dan’s tears while he stared at the door, hoping the man he’s in love with would just walk through the door again. he still has the pictures of them on his phone. the wounds are too fresh to delete them yet.

daniel wishes he could see phil in person again. the pictures rotting onto his phone don’t do him perfection. the phone can’t capture how his skin felt, how complex his eyes really were, or the love they had. it was real, daniel knows that.

_**when you said your last goodbye** _   
_**i died a little bit inside** _   
_**i lay in tears in bed all night** _   
_**alone without you by my side** _

_“dan? can we talk?”_

_phil’s voice is shaky._

_“of course, what’s wrong love?” dan takes phil’s hand and squeezes it as they walk into their bedroom._

_it’s quiet for all to long. phil has his eyes closed as he thinks. dan watches him carefully, he knows he isn’t ready for whatever blow this will be. phil doesn’t ever take so long to come up with his words._

_“we need to break up.”_

_the blow._

_dan’s own heart breaks apart in his chest. his lover of almost ten years has decided they need to split. the only person dan thinks he’s truly loved. now gone._

_in his mind, dan can’t even focus enough on the situation to even cry. he feels blank, yet his mind won’t stop. where has his sanity gone in these seconds?_

_“why?” is the only word to leave his lips._

_quiet again. the agonizing wait until your now ex-boyfriend wants to tell you what’s happened._

_‘there’s someone else’, ‘i can’t stand you anymore’, ‘you don’t want to come out’, the infinite amount of situations that could cause someone to drift haunt dan._

_phil holds dan’s hands tighter, “i still love you,” he whispers first._

_ouch._

_“i need what’s best for me in my life right now. for awhile, i thought it was with both of us together. you’re probably the most perfect person ever made for me, daniel howell, but i need / something /. i don’t know what yet. i think i just need to live by myself for a while. you’re still so young and your career as a youtuber is as high as it’s ever been, i just don’t know what i need for myself. so, i think it’s easiest for us to break up.”_

_the tears that dan has forgotten earlier built up. that horrible feeling when you’re about to cry begins. just as a child, your throat catches in itself and your chest feels a bit tighter. if you open your mouth you might -_

_dan breaks down. for god knows how many hours they sit, dan hugging phil as if they may never touch again, but this time it feels real. phil rubs dan’s back, wanting his best friend to let it out so they’ll be able to have a proper conversation soon enough._

_phil went to a friend’s house for the night, it was for the best._

_dan was left to lay in his own bed. the pillow salty of tears. the sheets stiff. his heart, his body, his bed cold. freezing without the everwarming presence of his love._

_**but if you loved me** _   
_**why’d you leave me?** _

wandering down the street, dan’s mind races over what happened just two weeks ago. in just a second his life had flipped.

phil’s in manchester now. he says it’s to be closer to his family, but dan knows it’s so they’re farther apart. to rip off the bandaid and get them away. if they’re too close, one of them will run back to the other and the deed has already been done. their relationship can never go back to what it’d been.

the fans know something is wrong. neither dan, nor phil have announced that phil’s moving out (or the deleting of the gaming channel, or phil’s move off of youtube in general). the fans just know. that’s what dan loves and hates about his community. they know everything. it’s going to hurt when they find out, but he thinks that them already knowing in their own heads will make it less painful.

less painful for them.

the ripped layers of dan’s own heart have yet to be healed.

if phil really still loved him, why would he leave?

their relationship was so strong. dan would’ve quit youtube himself for phil. dan would’ve moved to another country for him. whatever phil wanted, dan would do without a second of thought. dan thought when phil decided he wanted more that more would include dan on his journey. they’d finally buy their forever home they’d talked for years about. they would adopt a corgi and a little boy named winnie. that is when they’d tell their audience. it wouldn’t of been a coming out video, of course. it’d be a house tour. they’d introduce the dog and their son to the audience as well. it would just be a confirming sort of thing.

but, of course, that will never happen. dan will never get to decorate a forever home that phil will live in.

phil was just as invested in their forever home as dan was. why would he drop all of it for a dull penny of an apartment in manchester? for the loss of ten years of becoming soul-tied to one person.

but, dan realizes as the london air chills his cheeks, phil knew dan would do anything… even leave him for the sake of phil’s own mental health. phil knew how much dan just wanted phil to be happy, even if they weren’t together.

it isn’t even like dan can change it, or would want to change it. if phil doesn’t want dan, then dan doesn’t want phil to be with him. it’d be cruel to want phil in an unhappy relationship… even if you’re “soulmates”.

**_all i want is_  
all i need is  
to find somebody  
i’ll find somebody**

a quick trip to starbucks has dan sitting in the back booth and a warm drink to ease the soft chill of his hands.

people go in and out.

if phil wasn’t meant to be his forever, then someone else will be. dan will find someone who he’s meant to spend his days with in their own home. maybe, he thinks, with his next partner he’ll be open to his audience. they deserve to know more. man or woman, he decides he’ll be more open about what’s going on in his life.

this is the beginning of a new era for dan. daniel howell will come back to his social platforms soon enough. he’ll be stronger then.

but until then, he’ll let his wounds heal. the hurt of leaving phil will soon be gone. he’ll be able to text phil again and ask how he’s doing. phil said he’ll be ready to talk to dan again as soon as dan is.

dan knows they haven’t been dating for a while for phil. he’s had time to go through the stages of the breakup already. it’s not phil’s fault. dan won’t let anyone tell him it’s phil’s fault either— just as he hopes phil would take up for his own side of the breakup as well.

**_‘cause you brought out the best of me_  
a part of me i’d never seen  
you took my soul and wiped it clean  
our love was made for movie screens**

dan’s been broken before. for eighteen years his mind was scattered. it took phil to pick them up and arrange them.

dan had never seen himself smile like he did around phil. new parts of himself were showing that had never been exposed. phil put dan together in a way that showed everyone the talent, happiness, and love that was really able to shine through him.

phil was able to show him love like no one else. dates where they’d get caught in the rain whilst walking home. they’d take each other’s hands and run. they’d get home, panting and laughing. arms around each other and sometimes not even getting to their bedrooms.

dan blinks hard to run off the memories.

the pieces once held up by phil will be picked up again. this time dan will hold them up himself and they’re going to stay.

dan enters the pavement again and stuffs his hands into his pockets again.

he shouldn’t need phil or anyone else to live happily.

as dan walks alone in the street, his ears and cheeks tinted pink from the cold air, he isn’t quite alone. he has himself, and that’s okay. sometimes only you have to be there for yourself.

and, dan is going to be just fine.


End file.
